Eddie is Brutally Staked By The MI6
by CyanideMangoOfMassDestruction
Summary: Pretty much what the title says.


**This is a parody, obviously. I had this written a long time ago and decided to put it up. So it's not very good, but oh well. If you review this, I will review at least one of your stories!  
**

Eddie VS MI6

Edward Cullen was going shopping for a new pink t-shirt (he tended to lose them because he took them off a lot), but first he had to go to the bank to get some money. After school, he got on his sparkly pink motorcycle and rode to the bank. When he arrived, he parked the motorcycle in the flowerbed and dramatically flung open the doors, then skipped in.

The tellers all cowered behind the counters- he'd been to this particular bank before. Edward peered over the counter at a terrified blond girl. "Hi, can I have a Dum-Dum?"

The teller stood up and pulled out a basket of Dum-Dums.

"THANKS!" He enthusiastically emptied the basket into his sparkly man-purse. "Can I have some money?"

"Do you have a savings account?"

"YES!"

"Okay… what's your account number?"

"Uhhh… I hafta PEE!" (He didn't know Alice's account number.)

"Okay," said the teller, "Just go down that hallway, and it'll be your third right."

However, Edward is directionally challenged (and he can't count), so he took his second left. "YAY! This bathroom door has a button!" He pressed it, and the shiny door slid open.

"IT'S CARPETED, TOO!"

In the "bathroom", there was a tall lady with black hair who was sucking on a peppermint.

"HI! ARE YOU HERE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, TOO?"

The lady ignored him.

"Where's the toilet? Why is this room moving up?" When he got no answer, he turned to the corner. There was the sound of running water, and when he turned away, there was a puddle on the floor.

"Where's the toilet paper? This is a lame bathroom."

Then he heard something go _ding_ and the pretty door slid open. It opened into a room with a very long conference table right down the middle of it. There was plush red carpet covering the floor, and there were expensive looking paintings hanging on the walls.

The grouchy lady walked out and sat down at the table with a man and a boy. The man had a gray suit, gray shoes, gray hair, and gray skin.

The boy was probably 14, with extremely messy blond hair and dark brown eyes. He was arguing with the gray man.

"No! I won't do it! I don't want to be your spy! This SUCKS!"

"Now, Alex," said the gray man, "Wouldn't you like to help your country? It's any schoolboy's dream to be a spy."

"But I'm not a normal schoolboy!" the boy shouted. Then he saw Edward standing in the elevator doorway. "Is that my replacement?" He got out of his chair and sprinted toward the elevator, shoving Edward into the conference room.

_Ding._ The pretty door slid closed. "Bye, suckas! ... Hey, why is there a puddle in the corner?" came Alex's muffled voice.

Edward stood there for a moment with his finger up his nose. "CAN I BE A SPY, TOO?"

"No," said the gray man. He turned to the tall lady, seated beside him. "Do you know this boy?

"No. I happened to be in the elevator with him. He peed."

"Okay, kid, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. But first, _why_ are you sparkling?" asked the gray man.

"I'M A VAMPIRE! MY SPARKLES ARE HAWT!"

"Ah. I see. Mrs. Jones, back away very slowly and send for Smithers. We don't need to be eaten by a vampire."

Mrs. Jones pressed a button on the desk and spoke into a speaker. "Smithers, report to Mr. Blunt's office at once."

Then they both backed away to the far end of the conference room.

"Hey, where are you going?" asked Edward.

"Just stay there. Smithers is coming to…uh…help you." _Cough, cough._

Moments later, the couch split in two and the halves pulled apart. A platform raised from the gap. A rather large man with a pencil behind his ear was standing on the platform. As he stepped off, Edward saw that his hair was balding and his glasses crookedly perched on his nose. His stomach jiggled as he walked.

"What's the problem, Mr. Blunt?" he asked the gray man, whose name was evidently Mr. Blunt.

"This boy insists that he is a vampire. He also wants to spy for us."

"Hmmmm…"

"DO SOMETHING!"

"Like what?"

"Is he really a vampire?"

"I dunno. I'll check."

He grabbed the pencil from behind his ear and plunged it into Edward's chest. Edward suddenly disappeared. All that was left of him was a little pile of sparkles and a sparkly man-purse full of … Dum-Dums.

"Whadaya know, he _was_ a vampire," said Smithers.

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated, and so are flames if you feel that this deserves a flame. I have another Twilight parody up and am working on another one, if you're interested.**

**-Gerby**


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